The inner thoughts of Vayne (Journal)

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The inner thoughts of Vayne (Journal)

Post  Vayne on Sun Oct 31, 2010 6:06 pm

Entry 1

Hi, Mac!

I didn't like the word diary, because it sounds too girly. I also didn't like the word journal, because it sounds like tales of my adventures or research. This is not for that, it's for expressing myself! So, I give you a name. You are Mac. From here on out, entries will be adressed in letter-format to you, my fictional pen-pal. Any time I wish to express myself over a particular person but do not want to do it right to them, I'll adress them in a letter. Cool, huh?! Okay, Mac! Here we go!

It has been a hectic month. First, life is just crazy as ever in general. I am worried sick about Dalvar--I am scared she will break at the last minute. I saw Aura, too. That is where things really went sour. She was poisoned by Fang. Fang, you moron. I'm going to kill you next time we meet! Oh, right. Well, she was killed by Soi...it was hard to watch, even though I know it was just for her to rebirth. I'm worried though, Mac. How long can Aura go on living with these constant blows before she breaks? Actually, on that note: How long can I go on, either? Another day, another slap to the face by the world. My only confidants are having their own troubles, I can't worry them. I find myself turning to Mama Mari, but I still don't say everything on my mind. The first and foremost is always this: Aura.

I can't shake it, Mac. I can't shake the feeling that even though she forgave me, things will never truly be the same between us. Every night, I cry for what I know in my heart is lost. I worry for her, I know someday I will be okay; I honestly don't think she will be, though. I'm scared, scared I'll lose my best friend very, very soon. What will I do, then? I know you can't answer, I'm asking myself really. But it helps. Even if I don't know the answer.

Lastly, I won't go into it until next entry, but I'm going to help make a homunculus! I know it's taboo, but in essence: So am I. I think that by studying alchemy, I may obtain a better grasp on who and what I am. I may understand my origins. I may explain how such an 'abomination' could be explained logically. Lymilark, give me strength in the following days. I will need them.
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Re: The inner thoughts of Vayne (Journal)

Post  Vayne on Mon Nov 08, 2010 1:17 pm

Entry 2

So, I found out I'm a gem. I don't know what to think. What was the purpose for constructing me? Why am I here, exactly? Why was I lied to? I am of the opinion that perhaps I was never real. What if I all my memories are fallacies? What if the 'original' never existed? If I never existed previously, why can I rebirth? Why do I need a frequent supply of mana? Nothing seems to add up anymore, after this disturbing news. Few things am I still certain in. Luckily, my morality remains to be one of them. I shall continue to pursue my current endeavors, but with more discretion. I don't want to walk blindly into the lion's den.

Dalvar told me something that really hit home! She said that when I hide things from people because I may hurt them more than if I told them what it was I was so afraid to say. If I learned anything that is a help, not a hindrance, it is that lack of trust is one of the most painful things. Perhaps more cruel than anything I could say.

Mac, this annoying facade of pretending I'm happy so much of the time is getting very, very old. Dalvar, Aura, Aldora, my children, Soi, and both sets of parents give me strength. But I understand Pops. I never forgot the chiming of that bell, and it echoes within me. Perhaps it always has been, and I just noticed it now. However, there are pieces of true happiness in my life, like the aforementioned! They give me what I need to go on, Mac. That and my sense of duty to this world.

On a lighter note, I know how to make life drain crystals! As a matter of fact, I seem to hold an uncanny knowledge with alchemy, like I have raw talent for magic. I would never harm an innocent, but sometimes a shield has to get a bit of blood on his emblem. I can also do several other interesting things, I can synthesize a bit! My success rates are amazing. And my magic is getting stronger! I'm practicing like nobodies business. Sorry for how short my writings are, Mac. But I will only say what I have to say! Nothing more, nothing less. Ciao!
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Re: The inner thoughts of Vayne (Journal)

Post  Vayne on Wed Oct 19, 2011 11:47 pm

Entry 3

Hello again, Mac. It's been some time; I can't believe I packed you away! Yes I can, actually. I didn't want to face my stupidity. My hiding behind a myriad of fabrications of my identity. A homunculus, a false being, and so on. Yes, I don't retain mana well, and I get sick in it's absence. But...I'm just me, that's all there is to it. So what if I may or may not be some crazy construct? Well, I guess I was. But not anymore. I'm one. Complete. Whole, and it's a good feeling.

You'd think being whole, and Dark and I being one entity would make life so much more simple. Well let me tell you Mac, it isn't. I'm in a sea of troubles. I'm expected by some to talk to the Arc Lich, for one, and try to convince him not to destroy everyone after Mithos is dealt with. I have to somehow explain to my sister Roze that her husband is a psychopath and trying to kill milletians, and have to make her believe me on top of that. Not an easy feat. My memories are not intact, and I have a woman named Iraselle to thank for that. While I don't hate her, I'm certainly upset. I have empty spaces in my mind, and in my heart. Even though I've met two of those who were erased, and certainly care for them, I feel as though I've lost my connection. It simply isn't how it used to be. The spaces in my heart are only half-filled, and they should be overflowing. I know this. Naiada and my sister (apparently; feels right) Soifa are looking for a memory crystal for me, but it seems to be taking quite some time. It's just a bit stressful.

I've been looking around, too. For the Arc Lich. He's not easy to get ahold of, it would seem. But I'm sure I'll get to him eventually. Tell me, Mac. How do you convince someone to keep their hope in people when there was none to begin with? How do you convince a person who is so jaded, stubborn, and miserable?

...And will I be that person too, someday?

Nothing lasts forever. Nothing but scars. Until body and souls decay, the scars remain. And the soul? Well, the soul is eternal, so those scars will forever stay. I know that someday, Aldora will no longer be around. It may be hundreds of years...but something will do her in. The same goes for my mortal children, and some of my friends. Even milletians who I am close to...in eternity, things are bound to end eventually. Every loss will leave another disfiguring mark on my spirit, damaging it forever. Is there no way to stop my spirit from growing so callous and damaged? Is there no way to heal marred hearts? I'm concerned. I don't want to be Hyuponia. I don't want to be the Arc Lich. I don't want to be Soifa. I want to be happy. I want to stay happy.

I'm sorry, Mac. I didn't mean to be such a downer, ha! By the by, this is the last time I'll be calling you Mac. From now on, you're just the journal. The notebook. My secret, sacred sanctuary for my innermost thoughts. I'd apologize, but you don't care. You're just a book. It's childish to refer to you in such a manner, I'm a grown man now. I have the world's most incredible wife and amazing children (mostly? Rieken...well, I won't get into it) and I wouldn't have that any other way. I just hope to keep them for as long as possible.

I'd keep writing, but I have a baby to make and then a search to resume. I'll be taking you with me, and I'll try to update more regularly. And so, goodbye to your imagined sentience, Mac. May spirits carry you through fields most green. But they won't, you don't exist.
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Re: The inner thoughts of Vayne (Journal)

Post  Vayne on Mon Mar 05, 2012 6:43 pm

Yet another sporadic entry. It's pointless to post pointlessness. This one was ripped out of his journal and balled loosely, thrown against the kitchen wall and into a corner--left there.

Life's been better. So much better. I should be happy. And I am. I worry for my son, but I know he'll be fine. I know he will. Aldora and my children remain the light of my life. My days, surely, are filled with joy. Yet..

Night. My nights are filled with pain. No, no nightmares. Rather a place where things are better. Where the things that I cannot possibly hope to change in my life taunt me, by failing to exist. Perfection bites at me, and fills me with dormant rage, and revitalizes once diminished pains. At first, it brought smiles to my face. Maybe it was a sign of hope. Now? Now I"m thankful I wake up before my wife, so that she doesn't see the tears that come in darkness. I have learned to hate it. I've learned to..even fear it. My dream.

It's in a beautiful home. The Tailteann house. Why the Tailteann house? So little history behind it. So little meaning. Beautiful day lilies line the front, and the doors seem to welcome me each time I see it, like a long lost friend. There are no alarms; there are no surprises. I walk inside, and peer out a side window. I can see Soifa working on her alchemy, a smile on her face. A real smile. Nobody's bothering her. Hyuponia was nowhere to be found, and mother and Temo were happy as could be. I feel contentment, but nothing to the extent of what comes.

I don't see him, but I know Jeton is healthy, and well. Aldora is sitting on the couch, reading one of her 'romance' novels. I always find it amusing how they get to her. Katarin is as full of energy as ever, and still a pain. But I wouldn't have it any other way. In a glass jar is a black rose. It never gets out, it never had a chance to ruin my life.

Because of this, I was able to be with Annabelle in her early years. I think this is what hurts the most. Mother and Temo are together. Hyuponia doesn't interfere with my life. Soifa's behaving (perhaps there's hope), and I know in my heart Jeton will persevere. But Anna. Anna, I do not have even in this world--not how I should. Anna, I can not have in this world; family and fate have seen to that. But there? There, I am not just her father, I am her dad. She confides in me, and I in her. I share her joys and pains. We are close..and I hate it.

Oh, how it tortures me! Life, you boa! How you never let go. Sleep, you viper! How every night you strike once more. I will never be "Daddy", even if she calls me as such. Never will I hold that most coveted place in my daughter's heart; never will that sneering, cruel face of that vile impostor leave from my mind! Second best, I will always be. I can see the way she regards me. I know she cares, but I feel as though I am a stepfather more than anything. A consolation prize. A year's absence has stolen from me a lifetime from her. I may fix many things. However, things will never be better here. This..this is what gets me. There is no hatred quite like that which is found within the father. And there is nothing I can do. Yes, I can hunt and kill the thief. I can make him pay for his crimes. But in doing so, I'd lose what little I already have. He's well protected from my revenge, and for that he is lucky.

I wish, I wish every night upon waking I could go back and fix that. I wish my daughter was my daughter; not just my offspring and charge. But life presses on, paying no mind to the scares it may inflict.

Normally, I'd never share this--not even here, to myself. Too personal. However, last night..last night, that dream was different. I saw him. In my house, with my wife and daughters. He wasn't even wearing my face, and they didn't care. There were no words spoken. All they did was smile. Funny how so simple a thing became the most powerful nightmare I've ever had. For my sake, I pray I never see him again. For if I do, I fear I'll forever sever the bond that I do have with my daughter and, perhaps, even my wife. She does, after all, share memories with him.

I wish I was able to be so articulate in verbal discussion. I really do.


((Just done because I had that dream last night while thinking how Vayne thinks. Putting myself in his head. Left in a place where it could be seen for the sake of entry into Vayne's inner workings IC for anyone, for their own purposes or just to get a better look into his thought processes and why he's so gloom and doom. Also a tribute to certain forms of poetry))
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Re: The inner thoughts of Vayne (Journal)

Post  Vayne on Sun Nov 04, 2012 9:31 am

She didn't call me Faireth. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it scared me. She knows the implications of my name and usage or withholding of it, doesn't she? Maybe she's just stressed. But scared I was still. However, I will not give up. Remember, there is always hope. I can save this. My wife and I will be okay. It's an uphill road, but I won't lose sight of my goal. I, we, will pull through. We will.

And if not? I will love and care for her for eternity, even if she rejects me. That's just the kind of guy I am.
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